For many people in Raleigh, Cary, Clayton, and the surrounding Triangle area, the holiday season feels very different after separation or divorce. The joy, nostalgia, and family traditions are still there, but so are grief, anxiety, and uncertainty about what the future will look like.
If you are in the middle of a separation or divorce in North Carolina, you are not imagining it. Holidays tend to magnify whatever is already happening in your life. When you add in a new custody schedule, financial changes, and extended family expectations, even small missteps can turn into bigger conflict.
I see this every year with clients who are co-parenting during the holidays:
- An ex who suddenly becomes rigid about holiday plans or travel
- Extended family who wants to tell you what you “should” do
- Children who feel tension, even when you try to hide it
- Parents who feel torn between old traditions and new realities
Here is the encouraging part. Holiday peace is still possible, even if you are in the middle of a very hard season.
Below are tools I use with clients who want to reduce conflict, protect their emotional energy, and support their children during divorce and holidays.
1. Understand Why Emotions Spike During the Holidays (and Refuse to Take the Bait)
Holidays are loaded with emotion. People carry memories of how things used to be and expectations of how they think things should be. When a relationship ends, the gap between “what was” and “what is” can feel especially painful.
This is often when an ex will:
- Push back on a holiday visitation or custody schedule
- Argue about pick up and drop off times
- Send short or irritated messages about gifts, travel, or family events
Most of the time, it is not about you. It is about grief, fear, or feeling out of control.
One of the most powerful skills you can practice is not taking the bait.
You do not have to match the intensity of the message you receive. Instead, try to:
- Pause before responding, especially to texts or emails
- Take several slow breaths and notice what you are feeling
- Talk it through with a trusted friend, therapist, or coach
- Wait until you feel less emotionally flooded before you reply
This does not mean you have to agree to everything. It means you are choosing to respond instead of reacting, which is one of the best ways to lower conflict with a co parent, especially during the holidays.
2. Choose Presence Over Perfection for Your Kids
Many parents in North Carolina tell themselves, “I have to make the holidays extra special this year, so my children are not hurt by the divorce.”
That pressure can be exhausting. It can also create more stress and conflict than it solves.
Here is what I remind stressed parents of all the time:
Your presence, not your performance, is what makes holidays feel safe for your children.
Your kids do not need a perfect Christmas or an over-the-top Thanksgiving. They need a parent who is as emotionally steady and available as possible.
Especially during separation or divorce, children benefit from:
- Simple, predictable traditions
- One on one time with each parent
- Warmth, eye contact, and genuine attention
- Reassurance that both parents love them
If scaling back some plans or saying no to a few events helps you be calmer and more present, that is a gift to you and your children.
3. Create a Holiday Parenting Plan, Then Loosen Your Grip
If you are co-parenting, a clear written plan for holiday custody schedules is essential. In many North Carolina families, this is outlined in a parenting plan or custody order. A written holiday plan can help reduce confusion and give everyone the same expectations.
As much as possible, try to outline:
- Where will the children be on each major holiday
- Pick up and drop off times and locations
- Rules about travel and out-of-town visits
- Expectations for gift giving
- How you will handle last minute illness or weather issues
If you do not have a formal custody order or parenting plan, you may want to talk with a Raleigh child custody lawyer about your options so that your holiday schedule is easier to follow in future years.
At the same time, it helps to hold the plan with a bit of flexibility. Children get sick, traffic happens and sometimes plans need small adjustments. You can practice saying, for example:
- “I can adjust by 30 minutes that day.”
- “I am open to switching, as long as we swap these times as well.”
Flexibility is not the same as giving in. It is choosing collaboration where it is appropriate, and it can reduce stress for everyone.
4. Do Not Let Extended Family Run the Show
Extended family often has strong opinions about separation, divorce, and what your holiday should look like. During the holidays, those opinions can get louder.
You might hear:
- “You should not let your ex have the kids that day.”
- “You need to fight for more time, today.”
- “I cannot believe you are not doing things the way we always did.”
You are allowed to set boundaries with extended family so that you and your children are not caught in the middle.
You might say something like:
“I appreciate that you care about us. I am following the schedule that is in place and focusing on what is best for the kids.”
“I am not discussing the legal details today. I would rather keep the focus on enjoying our time together.”
You do not owe anyone the full story. You do not have to defend your choices. Protecting your peace and your children’s emotional space is more important than explaining every detail of your custody case.
5. Use Calm, Clear Boundaries with Your Co Parent
Boundary setting is an essential skill for co-parenting during and after divorce, especially around the holidays.
A boundary is not a threat. It is a clear statement of what you will and will not do. For example:
- “I am not going to have this conversation over text. Please email me instead.”
- “I am willing to discuss changes, but I need them in writing and at least 24 hours in advance.”
- “I will not respond to messages that include name calling. I will answer once we can keep the focus on the kids.”
When you speak from a calm, clear place, you are more likely to stay aligned with your values and less likely to get pulled into old patterns of conflict.
If you are struggling to communicate directly, co-parenting apps, shared calendars, or email can be useful tools. These can also help you document communication if you ever need to show it to your North Carolina family law attorney.
6. Protect Your Emotional Energy Like It Is Your Job
Being a parent during a separation or divorce is a lot. Being a parent during a separation or divorce during the holidays is even more.
Your emotional energy is a limited resource. You are allowed to protect it.
Some ideas that can help:
- Schedule regular therapy, coaching, or support group sessions throughout the season
- Take short walks or movement breaks to help calm your nervous system
- Keep certain days or evenings free of plans so you can rest
- Say no to events that feel draining or tense
- Ask a trusted friend to be your “holiday check in” person
Taking care of your emotional health is not selfish. It is one of the best ways to support your children. When you feel even a little more grounded, you can make clearer decisions about legal issues, finances, and parenting.
7. Remember That This Holiday Season Is Only One Chapter
For many of my clients in Raleigh and the Triangle, the first holiday season after separation or divorce is the hardest. That does not mean every holiday from now on will feel like this.
You are in a transition. You are learning to live in a new way and to co parent in a new structure. Over time, new traditions can emerge. Children adapt more than we think when they have stability, love, and support.
It may help to remind yourself:
- This is one season, not the whole story
- I am allowed to start new traditions that work for us
- I am learning skills that will help in future years
Peace does not require a perfect holiday. It comes from how you choose to show up for yourself and your children, even when the circumstances are not what you imagined.
A Note on Legal Guidance and Support in North Carolina
This article offers general emotional and educational support. It is not legal advice. Every case is different, and your rights and options depend on your specific situation under North Carolina family law.
If you live in Raleigh, Cary, Clayton, or elsewhere in the Triangle and are facing separation, divorce, or child custody issues, the attorneys at Triangle Divorce Lawyers can help you understand your options and create a plan for your family’s future.
To schedule a confidential meeting with our team, call 919-303-2020 or contact us through our online form at https://triangledivorcelawyers.com/contact/
About the Author: Relationship Coach Anna Howerton
Anna Howerton is a double certified relationship coach who supports individuals and couples through pivotal moments in love, including separation and divorce, reconciliation, and rebuilding life after a breakup. She helps clients create relationships that feel emotionally safe, authentic, and aligned with their values.
Before launching her coaching practice, Anna spent nearly two decades leading global talent and leadership development teams and previously served as a Senior Admissions Counselor at The Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania. She now brings that same blend of insight, strategy, and compassion to coaching clients who want healthier patterns in love and family life.
Anna works with clients in Raleigh, North Carolina, Orange County, California, and virtually around the world.
To learn more or inquire about coaching, visit Anna Howerton Coaching at Annahowerton.com or connect with Anna on social media for additional support around relationships, separation, divorce, and co-parenting during the holidays.
